WHY I HATE GOING TO THE HAIRDRESSER: A Rant (This post is not about writing.)

January 22, 2014

I have never left a hair salon with a smile on my face. Ever. My hair ALWAYS looks terrible when I'm leaving the salon. This will never change. I've accepted it. But it still makes me feel like crap.

 

Let me explain this in way too much detail.

 

Reason #1 - Y'all don't understand my hair

 

I have irritating, not-curly-not-straight, thin-but-also-thick, schizophrenic, biracial hair. My hair is difficult. The things hairdressers do to make hair look awesome - like straightening it, and putting in 17 different products - make my hair look terrible. Overstraightening makes my hair thin, staticy, and flat. Products do not help. The only solution I've ever come up with is to only sort of straighten the top layer and leave the rest to its own devices. But how to explain this to the hairdresser? Yes, straighten it, but only, like, sort of. The alternative is to let her do it curly. I tried that once. NOT GOOD.

 

Reason #2 - Evil mirrors

 

Why do I look so awful in the hair salon mirrors? Personally, I don't think anyone looks good with wet hair. I know I don't. So there's that going on, and the fact that I have to stare at myself in the mirror while my hair is wet, for like an hour. And is it just me, or is the lighting designed to highlight your double chin, and make your nose look weird? Basically looking into that mirror is like staring into the face of HORROR.

 

Reason #3 - Hairdressers are out of touch with reality

 

Once the hairdresser is done straightening my hair into oblivion, she does the cut (when did dry hair cutting become a thing?) and then asks me how I like it. How do I like it? How am I supposed to answer this question? I hate the way I look so much right now that I've lost the ability to have an opinion about the layers you just put into my hair. I don't care. And the hairdresser thinks it looks GREAT. This is what baffles me every time. She's thrilled! Look how straight! See, it's so much lighter! Look at the shine!

 

Whaaaaaaat

 

Are we looking in the same mirror? She's smiling, she nodding, she's so excited. I have a theory that hairdressers are trained to do this in hair school. No matter what, tell her it looks great. Especially if you just screwed her hair up really bad.

 

Or maybe they just look at so many heads of hair a day that they just can't tell anymore.

 

What makes me saddest is that the hairdresser, who just worked so hard to put this monstrosity together, probably thinks this is me looking my best. Which it is NOT. I can look so much better than this, I swear!

 

Reason #4 - Tipping

 

Because I hate tipping.

 

Reason #5 - Everyone else is thin and having a great time

 

Other women enjoy going to the hair salon, so I've been told. They're thrilled with THEIR haircut. They're best friends with the hairdresser. The hair salon is like their second home. People practically yell out Norm! when they walk in.

 

I hate these women.

 

Why are you so happy when I feel like crap? It shouldn't be allowed.

 

Also, all the hairdressers are thin, which is depressing. Because I have to stare at them all during my hair cut in the mirror that's reflecting their mirror. They may only seem thin because they're all wearing black, but in the face of my double chin this doesn't really register. They're all thin, queens of casual chit-chat, and they all have perfect makeup.

 

I want to punch them all in the junk.

 

Reason #6 - Tell me if I'm hurting you

 

She says it all the time. When she's blowdrying. When she's brushing out the knots. When she's holding the curling iron right next to my scalp.

 

"Tell me if I'm hurting you."

 

The answer to this question is always yes, and I never say it. I want to say it. I strongly consider saying it. But I never do.

 

I just suffer. In silence.

 

I think this question is just hairdresser laziness. She doesn't really want to try to not fry my hair with the blow dryer, so she's going to rely on me to tell her when my skin is blistering. Laziness! I object to this.

 

Reason #7 - It's not important and I don't really care

 

Now I'm leaving the salon with my awful haircut. I check my hair in the window of every car I pass just to check if it still looks like crap. Yep!


I know it's probably not the cut that's the problem, it's the way my hair was styled. Tomorrow I'll wash it and blowdry it the RIGHT way, and everything will probably be fine. Probably. But that's tomorrow and right now I just paid $70 to feel like crap. I don't cry or anything. That would be stupid. But if something else disappoints me in the next five minutes, like missing my bus or getting splashed by a puddle, I'll probably want to.

 

The worst part is the lecture I give myself on the way home. Because being upset about your haircut is so shallow and silly. What does it matter what you look like? This is totally not important and you have no reason to be upset. (By the way, this lecture will also be used as the excuse to wait WAY TOO LONG to go back to the salon for my next haircut. Not because I hate it there. But because caring about my hair is shallow and stupid.)

 

By the time I get home I feel so defeated and miserable I want to eat EVERYTHING. This is also the moment my husband pops into the front hall to "see my new haircut." Then he also pretends it looks great. And I go through this list of reasons with him until he wants to die as much as I do.


Because making your husband want to die at the same time as you is what love is all about.

 

 

I'm going to stop here and mention that I got a haircut today.


And I didn't cry, punch anyone in the junk, make my husband want to die (to be fair, he isn't home yet), or beat anyone to death with a hair straightener. Though I am staying away from ALL MIRRORS. It also helps that I work from home so nobody has to see this.

 

So, who agrees with me about this? WHO? Someone has to. Please comment below. And send chocolate.

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